So some of you know that I have had quite a struggle for the past four or so months. Inner conflict quickly settled in and wreaked havoc resulting in a lot of spiritual, emotional and mental chaos. It was unbelievably heavy. The literal pain in my heart was nearly too much to bear. I am familiar with the state of messy and ugly because I used to best friends with anxiety and depression. USED to be. I fought hard to win my life back and I did. Not saying that I don’t have moments that trip me up, because I sure do, but my reaction and my resolve time have lessened dramatically. Until a few months ago.
I have been drowning again. I had very little (willing) people to turn to but I thank God for those willing to “get under the covers with me and hold me” while I was nothing but messy. Those people didn’t fear the trenches, they dug deep and became a pillar of enormous and invaluable support and strength. I am forever grateful to all who were there physically, spiritually and connected to my heart. I love you so deeply that words cannot even be of value in such a time. The stillness and presence speaks volumes.
However, there was a moment last week that grabbed my heart and hugged it more than anything else for some reason or perhaps I was a bit more open to receive than any other times previous. For some reason – insert DUH here – it proved to be a pivotal moment in breathing life back into me.
My dear friend, Amber Murray, after listening to me spill my guts, like deep hurt was spewing over, she said “Let Jesus close enough to heal the places of deep hurt.” Whew… Teary just remembering that exact moment as she looked at me and spoke those words. Words that were so so simple yet powerful to me. I heard Jesus through her. He was asking me to please let Him back in. It was so still and so quiet a few moments after she spoke that into my heart. Be still and know.
I have been caught up in details that really don’t need to be tangled with. And in doing so, I ultimately put distance between me and my Papa. He never left me in my ugly though. He opened His arms and let me go, to walk whatever walk was necessary to bring me even closer to Him. For me to realize, once again, He is my all. I crawled back into His waiting arms late Thursday night. I have never felt safer or more loved. HIS truth set me free of all the chaos that tried to swallow me whole.
Process is really really hard, friends.It is so painful. But it really is necessary to get to a place of ultimate freedom. I have been putting up a huge wall and bathed in a vat of “I really don’t give a damn….about ANYTHING.” I tried to fight useless battles that weighed so very heavy on my heart, like literally hurting my heart. Feeling insignificant, unloved, unwelcome, disposable is a harsh LIE. I am not a castaway. I am not. I have value and I am worthy of your time and your love and you are worthy of what I have to give you as well.
I am weak and I am still climbing back into the game of life but thank goodness I am not as alone as I thought I was. The right people will remain in my life. The right people will embrace me and my mess. IF I let them in. I have been pushing many people out. I had to set some boundaries though. However, “I didn’t set this boundary either to offend or please you. I did it to manage the priorities and goals I have set for my life.” (KYLO) I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you, BIG. I really do.
EACH DAY IS A NEW BEGINNING, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND START AGAIN.
“And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us” -Romans 5:3-5