faith, inspiration, life, music, quotes, scripture

Getting Unstuck

Who says in seasons of change that you can’t get stuck? It’s a lie. You can go on this incredible life changing, spirit-blooming, soul-bursting journey, only to find a rut in the road to spin your wheels in for awhile.

It’s true. It happens. To all of us.

Enthusiastically, I have been accepting all this good, and I mean, real, deep, rich kind of good, changes in my life for the past two years. I have traveled on paths that I truly never thought I would have been on. I have dug entirely too deep for my liking to touch the depths of my soul that stored some left over venom from a multitude of previous pains. It was sticky. It was rough. It was a crazy roller coaster of emotions and I wanted off that ride…more than once.

As I grew into me, I found a place inside of me that was able to adjust to the ride and take it, come what may. But what I wasn’t prepared for was these ruts along the way. I mean, I knew they were there and I knew I was bound to ignore them and get stuck at some point in my journey but I chose to sail along, eyes wide open, my heart racing at the approach of the top. I was so excited to be on this new ride. I didn’t know what was ahead but I felt I had prepared well enough in advance that I could withstand anything.

Wrong.

Just as I reached the top, I inhaled the fear as the pit of my stomach dropped out as I soared down the speeding pathway, dipping so low, I closed my eyes. Fear raged over me and I begged to get off the ride. I had hit rock bottom many times in my past. Places and pits that I seriously thought I would just lay there and die in the trenches. And it seems, with every step forward, I end up stuck in a rut for awhile, confused. I try hard to put the pedal to the floor and all I do is spin viciously, burning a fire that I thought I had long since put out. I hadn’t. It is still there. It lurks somewhere inside of me, waiting, for a moment of weakness, to sink its teeth into me, tear open new flesh and spill its poison into me.

Like a child, I let it happen.

I know better. I have the tools to implement positive change. I know what I have to do in order to not stay stuck yet I feel paralyzed. Over and over again. I don’t like when this happens. Who really does though? It is a place that, if not acknowledged, can be very dangerous for me. I have seen the darkness so many times that I refuse to go there ever again yet I allow myself to be teased, a temptation of comfort. Yes. I said comfort.

Darkness, pain, sadness, loneliness, emptiness… a place of abandonment, rejection and self-harm is comforting because it is all I have known until the past few years. It is a murky kind of comfort though. It isn’t a warm, kind, friendly sort of comfort. It is just a place of recognition and understanding. I know it well. It isn’t something I have to reacquaint myself with, it just is a place that is all too familiar. I get so tired. I know things have to change and always wishing things were different but never really knowing how to do the work.

Moment of vulnerability here – I still don’t really know what to do.

I landed in that place – time after time – because I just didn’t believe I was capable of living a beautiful life. I figured my lot in life was made of dark, hard, ugly, fearful edges that I fall off of every now and then. I always said I believed in Jesus. I prayed. I prayed hardcore. But I wasn’t living IN HIM. I wasn’t allowing His presence in me. I lost my way. I lost trust. I lost hope. But HE never fails. HE never gives up. HE always loves.

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It says love endures all things…this I pray.

As I find myself on the other side of another rut, I find comfort in HIM. HIS embrace is where my comfort now lies. Yes, He has us experience these ruts for a reason. He needs us to learn to trust Him completely and if we lose our way, He helps us find it again. In Him, I am so much more alive. I am so much more the person He created me to be. I believe that He pushes me to the edge to remind me how far I have come and to truly work hard to get away from the fiery path that I once chose over the love that He provided me. He reminds me of the danger and the place void of love, peace, hope and joy. He doesn’t want me to sink deeper into that rut that I allowed myself to spin in.

Get out, He shouts. GET OUT!!! 

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I was driving down the road the other day listening to a Christian station and a song came on that I never heard before and as the words penetrated my soul, my eyes quickly filled with tears so much that I had to pull over and just let it out. I sobbed and sobbed and so much pain flooded out. The words were simple but man, did they ever resonate deep inside me and rooted for the future. Go to youtube and listen. It is so crazy beautiful.

Well, everybody’s got a story to tell
And everybody’s got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there’s beauty here
‘Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can’t let go, I can’t move on
I want to believe there’s meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this?”
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now

Standing on a road I didn’t plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I’m trying to hear that still small voice
I’m trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this?”
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now

Though I walk,
Though I Walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, Please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this?”
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

 

 

 

“Need You Now” – Plumb

So, I ask this of my friends and loves ones…

If you recognize me spinning in a rut, offer a hand. Please. I guess I will always need a small affirmation from those I love, an affirmation that they love me back. Don’t let me sit there burning in danger. Pull me out. Push me out. Remind me to lean into Him. Two people checked on me while in this spot of familiarity. Just the words, “Are you ok?” was enough to push me out because it was a small affirmation that someone recognized that maybe I wasn’t ok. It was the push I needed to get out of the rut. I helped myself out because I had the tools and the knowledge but more so because someone recognized that I was stuck. Thank you. So very much.

I was recently told that He isn’t going to do it for me, that He wants me to do it. Those words ring in my ears continually because that person is right. God will stand beside me, show me the way but He needs me to be confident that I can walk this out because Jesus is in me. I don’t have to stay in a struggle, that is not a part of His plan for me. Sure, struggle builds us up and gives us the power to put one foot in front of the other and keep marching on but we are not made to drown in struggle. We cannot allow it to consume us, suffocate us, or drown us. We are more powerful than the struggle because He is in us! We are meant to be alive, truly ALIVE!

As I end this, I will admit, I am still spinning my wheels a little. I’m on my way out of the rut. I am on the other side of it actually but mentally, I have to catch up. My head wants to hold me back from speeding towards the joy that is waiting.

I am a list maker. I love lists. But when I get stuck in a rut, I tend to list all the wrongs in my life, all my past trials, all that needs to be taken care of because it has been neglected for far too long. But what happens when I do that? I give power to the ugly and the dangerous dark force. I have got to count my blessings and know that this will pass because of my own willpower, the strength through Jesus in me and the love and care of people who claim they love me. I need all three. I do.

Be a blessing today. Reach out to someone. Let them know you care and you recognize their struggle. You can’t fix it for them but you can offer the right kind of comfort and push that they need to help themselves. Isn’t that what life is all about anyway? Loving kindness.

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GET UNSTUCK!!

How? Trust Him. That’s all there is to it. Trust in Him.

EDITED TO ADD: I just made lunch, came back to sit at the computer when I look at Facebook, this was IN. MY. FACE. Coincidence? I think not. 

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My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2  Corinthians 12:9, 10

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