It is so important to have a safety net in friends and family. Not everyone, though, will be a part of that, as it isn’t for them to be an integral part of your life journey. That’s ok. But definitely something I have struggled with for awhile.
Today, during a coffee date with one of my most trusted friends, a definite safety net, I felt something so calming wash over me. It has happened before when I am with her, so it is definitely not something new, yet it felt completely new and this beautiful peace hugged my spirit and I felt A LOT of junk slide off of me, stuff that has held me captive for about seven months. Honestly, IT, the junk, isn’t responsible for holding me captive. It is me. I allowed it to have authority and it nearly destroyed me. My spirit has been in major conflict and I have been overthinking EVERYTHING.
I want more. I am not going to sit in muck and hope that I have this miraculous shift and life will hand me this glorious joy on a silver platter. I know I have some hard and painful work ahead of me. I will not be handed joy without the work. Truthfully, I have been paralyzed by my own pain and have carried a load of crap that was never meant for me to carry. I have been wearing a mask and pretending I was ok. Friends… I haven’t been ok.
I have not been ok.
I have been lost in the wilderness, hoping for something to save me, wishing for people to run after me, praying that someone outside my immediate circle would realize that I was wandering around, searching for… something. I wanted a new hand to hold, a new face to smile at me, a new friend to hug me, a new someone to tell me they see where I am and are there with me. And just to be clear, I absolutely cherish the “old” hands, faces, friends that have not left my side.
I lost focus often. I have felt so confused and conflicted and hurt.
I have been hurt.
And it hurt that no one really noticed and if they did, I didn’t know that they did. I have been caught up in my mind chaos feeling like no one cared to come stand with me. Sometimes we really just need someone to see that we are lost in the wilderness and come out to meet us there, not stay there in our muck, just be with us as we find our way out and more than anything, sometimes, we just need to know that we really are seen and we really are cared for and really are loved.
And when we don’t receive what we think we need or want from others, we go deeper into the thick of the wild, creating a fort of bitterness, and pain and misunderstanding, and that feeds our appetite of low self-worth. It creates unnecessary pain. It is a very difficult place to be.. the wilderness.
As I have been in this painful place, I have learned that we are ultimately responsible for the place in which allow ourselves to stand. It is a lovely idea to have others along side us, not bailing us out, just to be there for us, but it isn’t their job to do that, it is their choice. We have to come to a place of understanding that what other people choose is not always going to make us feel good inside. We don’t have to feel guilty for the hurt that we are feeling either, but we cannot have unhealthy expectations placed on others, especially if we have not done any of our own work, or more so, the necessary work, to leave the place of pain.
This really has little to do with “them” after all and everything to do with ME.
So, I am choosing freedom. I have said it before but I never worked for it. I need this so badly, friends. Please pray for my strength and confidence to be restored and my perseverance to manifest into a consistent pillar in this freedom walk. Please be with me. I need you all more than ever. These chains have been broken so many times. I don’t want to be shackled to this weighty nothingness that I thought I’ve become. I just want to be held…
So I will take His hand as I find my way out of the wilderness.
I stand on wobbly legs. I am fighting fear. I am drawing close and choosing the nearness of Him.
I am free to walk out of this desolate place. I am going back to the beginning…when I was young.
As I left the coffee date, this song was on the radio. First time I have heard it. I was meant to hear it in this moment. These lyrics are everything to me right now. Go listen.
“Just Be Held” – Casting Crowns
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go