I’m giving up on you.
And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
This song by Christina Aguilera and A Great Big World is so hauntingly exquisite. It undoubtedly carves itself into my flesh, begging me to say something. Touching places of my soul that lay dorment, I feel so much when I listen to this song. So many emotions, so many feelings, so much of everything yet I am left speechless. I cannot say something.
I hear this inside my head more times than I can count on a daily basis. There is so much inside of me that needs said yet I struggle with purging it sometimes. I want to reach out, to share, to inspire, to reveal myself to those who care to listen and watch but sometimes when I try to speak or type, I am frozen. Paralyzed by something that will not let me get it out.
I tend to walk in circles. Purge. Heal. Share. Inspire. Joy. Numb. Shut down. Withdraw. Purge. Heal. Share. Inspire. Joy. Numb. Shut down. Withdraw. This cycle is exhausting. I walk in my truth. I walk with knowledge and as much as I overcome, I still end up on this ride of mediocrity. I know what to do to stay off the ride… don’t buy a ticket for it!
Yet without fail, I strap myself in, clench my fists around the safety bar and pray that I don’t fall off in the whirlwind of heightened fear and adrenaline. Here we go… Hold on, girl. You’re a pro. Buy the “I survived ___” t-shirt, already!
I’m trying, folks. I’m trying.
Apparently I have some more learning and growing and healing to do. Don’t get me wrong – I am doing well the majority of the time but if I am being completely transparent, sometimes I am not doing well. Sometimes there is a roar inside of me that cannot be contained and other times, it is stifled for one reason or another and I become reclusive. Often times, it is during these moments that I have the biggest breakthroughs in my writing, in my spiritual growth, in my self-confidence. If I am patient enough – I will overcome and be stronger than ever. I think people usually make assumptions that once we are focused in change, in growth, in healing and have already made strides in that process – we shouldn’t be feeling murky ever again. Sorry to tell you, it happens – even to those who proclaim perfection and a righteous path. Strip yourself. Let authenticity reign. Let Jesus reign. Because I have learned that since I have done that, I am able to let these moments come, work through them and rise again. Even though it gets exhausting, I know I will rise again.
I am walking out my story. I am keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus. And I won’t ever give up on … me.
I will keep trying to say something. Stay tuned…