I sit here in a room full of silence. The hum of the laptop, the tick of the clock, the drip of water from the bathtub, and, sometimes, the cars outside are the only sounds. So it really isn’t silent and I yearn for complete silence. These little sounds are aggravating. The little sounds wrap around my eardrums like coils of electric fencing. My stomach is in knots laced with nausea and my lower back aches so badly. My head is pounding and my throat is raw. My neck is full of tension. And my nerves are shredded like a well-loved dog’s rope. I am struggling with feeling very irritated with people and things all around me. Annoyed. Upset. Impatient. Bothered. Indifferent. Detached.
My mind is racing to collect every little bit of information that has come in and those that threaten to wander off in the chaos that is inside my brain. I have pieces of paper everywhere with lists, notes, and just mindless drivel that is making me feel uneasy. I make a mental note to get that in order soon but I am taking a chance by making a mental note. I forget a lot of things these days.
Days and events pass and they are full of people. I am surrounded by lots of people, yet, I am feeling really alone. Again.
Overlooked. Uninvited. Passed by. Forgotten.
I hate how I am letting myself sink into this sea of familiarity and comfort. I know this place. I have been here before many times. I do not like it but it is comfortable because at least I know it. There is some comfort in that, you know. Feelings get hurt. Heart gets broken. Walls go up. Fake smiles pulled out. How do you just go on as if nothing is bothering you when you are coming undone, once more, on the inside?
I draw closer with the Lord during these trying times of mental torture. My heart longs for His embrace so I go get it. I feel super relieved that I have a Papa that loves me so much through all of my seasons. I am still in awe of that concept – someone loving me so intensely, even when I have to relearn a lesson that they have already walked me through. I bow at His feet in humble gratitude for He is the only one I wish to please. But please understand that I still stumble with flesh lies.
Reaching out brings me an enormous amount of joy. My heart leads me to people and places that give birth to joy time and time again. And it is always born out of love, compassion and kindness. My heart is an ocean. Truly. It is not a brag statement. It is fact. My heart collects the feelings and emotions of the world around me. I feel so deeply. Sometimes I struggle with knowing if it is my own stuff or if I am carrying someone else’s pain. Like right now. I am in conversation with God because I need to know why I feel this way.
I know that I have my own stuff going on but what I feel is draining me in ways that are unclear, unfamiliar. I am physically sick and exhausted. My brain hurts too much when I think of anything. Honestly, I feel so infantile, Helpless. Dependent on everyone around me but fighting to not relinquish any control I still have left in me. That is a mental battle really because I am in control of how I feel and what I do. It is my life in God’s hands. I have to trust that this walk is with His blessing and His will shall be carried out if I am obedient in my walk. Trust that this will pass and not berate myself for relearning this lesson for the thousandth time.
Making mental lists of wrongdoings placed on me by others is serving no one. It is so hurtful to rehash the times uninvited, overlooked, and forgotten. It is unfair to me and everyone around me. It is unfair to my faithful Father God.
So I will walk towards settlement with blisters on my feet and cuts in my heart. I will walk with shallow breath just to get to settlement. I will keep walking out of chaos and pain towards the oasis of peace where I can exhale and give birth to my spirit, all over again. My soul will be renewed once more. My heart will be stitched with His love and I will walk like a daughter should walk. I will walk in truth and share my testimony, even if it means that chapter seven sounds vaguely familiar or even resoundingly like chapter four. I forgive myself for forgetting the lesson. I forgive myself for believing the lies again. I forgive myself for pulling out the worn out tape and playing it again when it was nothing but heartache. I forgive myself for collecting the trash I had already thrown away and cast down. I forgive myself for feeling so deeply yet I love myself because I do.